Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Street Fighter

Oh dear. I don't know why I got this movie. I even paid $10 for it. Heck, it was the last copy on the shelf, too! I'm not sure if that's because other people were as stupid as me, or if they just didn't have more copies because the movie wasn't selling, even at $10. Hell, even my Blu-Ray player didn't want to play this movie. I ended up having to throw it in my XBox in order to watch it. So what did I get myself in to?

If I had to sum up Street Fighter in one word, that word would be "stupid." If I had two words, they would be "incredibly stupid." But luckily, this is a blog, and I get a LOT more than just two words. So here we go...
I'm not going to bitch about the plot, because really, the games never had a plot so it never mattered what they did, it'd always be stupid. It's pretty much impossible to integrate all the separate characters and their "backstories," and have it make any kind of sense, so really the plot gets a pass on being savaged. Well, almost. (It's incredibly stupid.)

How about characters? Jean Claude Van Damme plays Guile. Poorly. He repeatedly fails to demonstrate any kind of leadership skills. The closest he comes is when he uses emotional blackmail to get Ken and Ryu to act as spies. Also, wtf? Jean is clearly not an American. Could a non-American reach the rank of Colonel in the US Army? I doubt it. Raul Julia plays M. Bison, and does a pretty good job. The man plays the war leader and despot who thinks he's doing the right thing, and he plays it well. And considering the completely horrible script, and the terrible job everyone else does, that's no mean feat. The script does have a few moments of making even Raul look like a doofus though. The worst line has to be "The day I came to your pathetic little village was the most important day in your life. For me, it was a Tuesday." Seriously. Ugh.

Unfortunately, Raul can't manage to raise the quality of the movie beyond "crapfest." The action is substandard, which is unforgivable. Even the big action set piece at the climax is pathetic. Individuals throwing punches in extreme close-ups, single or paired stuntmen being launched by pitiful explosions. And then there's the fight between Guile and Bison. Again, pathetic. No choreography. A cut after every move. There's no flow. The energy is all sucked out by the constant cuts. Even worse, it keeps cutting to other people in other areas, showing what they're doing. I will admit that the movie at least made an attempt to work in some of the characters' moves. Ryu does something almost resembling a hadoken, Ken does a standing shoryuken, Guile does a sommersault kick, Bison does his flying punch-tackle-thingy, E. Honda does his hundred-hand slap, that sort of thing.  Unfortunately, Zangeif serves mostly as comic relief, and while it's sort of funny, since it's not a "funny" kind of movie it ends up being mostly out of place.

I don't think I can honestly recommend this movie even for a "bad movie night," between the stupid plot, bad action, and dumb dialogue, it *still* doesn't hit the "So bad it's good" sweet spot. It's just bad. Frankly, I think the foley person knew the movie was a stinker, since when the movie closes, there's an insert of a woman's laughter, even though it's a freeze-frame on the characters' victory poses from the game. I like to think it's the foley artist laughing at anyone silly enough to sit through this junk. It's even stupid enough to give one of those teasers after the credits. "ZOMG! BISON'S NOT DEAD." Well, unfortunately for the world, Raul did die, but I doubt there will ever be a sequel to this waste of celluloid.

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